I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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