Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I think im going to throw up on grandma
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
