I looked at my own cervix.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
