You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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