she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
