I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
