i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
