just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
