Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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