i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
