Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just forgot I was standing up.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
