somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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