And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
