I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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