when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
