Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
farters have to be the big spoon...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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