she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
