Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cut my penus on the lid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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