If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
