Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
