The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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