I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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