i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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