I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
the raccoons are back...
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