You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
