Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't deserve a penis
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
