1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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