if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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