census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
