I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
