They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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