I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
