I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
