omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
