update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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