And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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