I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
