I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this boner is exhausting
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
