i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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