I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
