Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
