I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
