She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
