He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
