with your own penis?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
