Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
