____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
