i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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