my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
