2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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