Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight