it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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