he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
do nipples grow back?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
