So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
ttyl tear gas
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
