I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
