I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
