oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize