I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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